Mallet Girl - in text!
by Ammadeau
Summary: In the Tendo dojo it seems like a typical night, at least at first...


Mallet Girl - in Text!  
(a Ranma 1/2 magical girl spamfic)  
By Ammadeau  
Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org  
http://www.thekeep.org/~amm/  
  
***  
  
All seemed peaceful in suburban Nerima as night settled in.   
Who would suspect what diabolical plans were about to be set in   
motion....  
  
Ranma would never win the Nobel prize for female   
psychology, but at the moment he had a feeling that Akane was   
mad at him for something. He had been so bored with his pop off   
getting tanked with Mr. Tendo that he was actually sitting and   
watching her practice martial arts, or as he liked to call it, 'making   
kindling the hard way.'  
*Clumsy tomboy,* he thought bitterly as she directed   
another scathing look in his direction. Here he was, doing his best   
not to offer her a banana, and this was the thanks he got.  
*Stupid Ranma, we don't you just leave?* Akane thought in   
irritation as she glanced back to confirm that yes he was still sitting   
there scowling at her. Normally, when she cranked up the pissed-  
off tomboy act he'd do something that at least gave her an excuse to   
get rid of him, but he seemed to determined to wait her out tonight,   
and she was started to tire of her fake practice session.   
*Could he have found out my secret? Come on, this is   
Ramna. He couldn't figure out that... Where is she anyway?*  
"Nihao!" suddenly came a cry that was loud enough to   
remain audible over the splintering of wood as a Amazon-sized   
hole was knocked in the side of the dojo. "Shampoo come for date   
that husband promise!"  
"What?!" Ranma shouted in alarm, backing away from his   
bubbly and boiling fiancées. "I never promised you anything like   
that!"  
"Husband no remember?" Shampoo asked as she bounced   
closer to him, not seeming to notice the fuming Akane behind her.   
"Husband promise that if Shampoo keep secret of date with rose-  
girl from Akane, you would take Shampoo on date!"  
"Going on a date with Kodachi and Shampoo!" Akane   
raged as she stomped closer and closer to Ranma, the wood starting   
to buckle under her feet from the force of her steps.  
"Violent girl here?" Shampoo blinked in an appearance of   
innocent confusion. "Shampoo make mistake. So sorry. Good   
thing Shampoo not say how husband seal deal with kiss... oops."  
"Akane, she's making it all up!" Ranma's voice was nearly   
shrill with panic as he held his hands out before him to ward off   
the oncoming short-haired disaster. "I don't know what she's   
talking about!"  
Akane picked up the mallet conveniently at her side and   
held it aloft like a katana. "Ranma... you pervert!"  
Bang, bang, Akane's wooden mallet came down upon his   
head. Ranma did his best to dodge, but like magic the mallet   
unerringly struck him dead center of his forehead. After a brief   
moment of pain filled with fireworks, he entered the blissful realm   
of unconsciousness.  
Shampoo leaned over to check Ranma driven half-way   
through the floor. "He out like light," she confirmed with a grin to   
Akane.  
"Stop talking like that!" Akane told her with a frown.   
"Where were you anyway? We're late for our rounds, again."  
"I know, but I had a hard time getting away from Mousse   
tonight. I think that even a moron like him is starting to suspect   
something," Shampoo explained in fluent Japanese.  
"Ugh, I don't want to think about the ecchi thoughts that   
he'd have seeing us together. Why doesn't your great-grandmother   
ship him back to China anyway?" Akane asked.  
Shampoo sighed. "She's says that it's good training for me,   
to help keep me on my toes at all times. I think she got the idea   
from some French movie she saw once. Anyway, he's usually not   
that big of a pain, especially when I'm the reason he got cursed."  
Akane nodded as she easily pried Ranma out of the floor   
and laid him gently on a mat, making sure there weren't any serious   
injuries. She hated to do this to him, but she knew that if he found   
out the truth about her, he'd have to interfere and probably wind up   
getting himself hurt or worse.  
"Baka," she whispered softly and kissed him gently on the   
forehead.  
"Baka is right," Shampoo affirmed. "I don't know what you   
see in him. The fool actually thinks I want to marry an idiot like   
him. Fine husband he'd make when all he knows how to do is fight   
like a cowardly dog, eat like a pig, and has all the manners of... his   
lazy father."  
Akane frowned again as she turned to face the Amazon. "I   
really wish you wouldn't tease him so much."  
Shampoo smirked in reply. "I have to keep my cover up,   
don't I? Besides, it provides the perfect excuse for Cologne to train   
him to be a fitting life-mate for you, even if I think you could do   
much better."  
"I know, and I'm grateful to her for that," Akane replied as   
her eyes studied Ranma's sleeping face, wondering if he was   
having a nightmare about a violent tomboy making his life hell.   
Who was she to judge? She probably hurt him more than anyone   
else, but she really didn't have any other choice. "I only wish..."  
"Wish what?" Shampoo prompted as she tapped her foot   
impatiently. "That you were a normal girl with a normal life, that   
could grow up and have a normal family? Well, you're not, so you   
won't. Get over it; life is tough all over."  
With a gentle smile on her lips, Akane walked over to   
Shampoo and put a comforting hand on the girl's shoulder. Almost   
immediately, the Amazon's features softened.  
"Things have been the hardest on you most of all, my loyal   
companion," Akane told her, her voice tender and serious. "We'll   
find him again and get your cure someday. Do not loose hope!"  
"Yeah, I suppose so," Shampoo replied with a smile.   
"Shouldn't we get going now?"  
"Right!" Akane agreed and then held up what appeared to   
be no more than an ordinary wooden mallet. "As one of the five   
princesses of the planet Asguard, I call upon the sacred power of   
justice!"  
*If only you knew what you were missing right now,   
Ranma-baka,* Shampoo thought, snickering, as with an impressive   
light show, Akane's clothes were shredded away, only to be   
replaced by a bronze-looking breastplate with leather straps that   
eventuated her now more significant figure, a short white skirt that   
didn't seem at all practical in anything but a heat wave, knee-length   
brown leather boots with golden straps, and a bronze cap with two   
cute little horns on either side.  
"Mallet Girl is ready to smash evil!" the now transformed   
Akane declared using what Shampoo called stock silly pose #4.   
The super heroine strapped the now much fancier-looking mallet to   
her belt and eyed her Amazon accomplice. "Well?"  
"This is so embarrassing," Shampoo muttered with a sigh as   
she shouted in Chinese with much less enthusiasm than Akane,   
"As 104th Amazon champion, I summon the ancient power of my   
people!"  
Shampoo's transformation was a little more dramatic, for   
while her clothes also ripped away, her very features began to shift   
as she grew whiskers, a long prehensile tail, her hands becoming   
claws, and purple fur suddenly sprouted on parts of her body so   
that she felt a little less exposed than if she were wearing a string   
bikini.  
"Can't I wear my chisogasm over this, or something?"   
Shampoo complained with a faint blush as she looked down at   
herself. She thought her previous costume had been a bit too   
revealing, however, ever since she had been cursed by... but this   
was simply ridiculous! Sure, she'd surprise Ranma naked, but then   
she had the reward of teasing him. She'd have to go out in public   
like this!  
"It would impair you movement too much," Akane   
explained for the nth time. "We're not fighting simple martial   
artists here. We are fighting the villains of the world, the very   
scum that clings to our global sink, and we need to do everything   
we can to scrub them out!"  
Shampoo sighed as she rubbed her head with her paw, her   
nightly ritual to avoid headaches. *Where does she come up with   
all those corny speeches?* "Let's just get going, meow. Things   
have been too quiet lately and that's always something bad for us,   
meow."  
"Quite right, Neko Avenger!" Mallet Girl declared and then   
leapt effortlessly through the hole Shampoo had made earlier. "We   
must keep the city save from evil! Onward!"  
"I wish she wouldn't call me that, meow," Shampoo   
muttered dejectedly to herself before following out into the night. 


End file.
